The Wedding Crashers

On Saturday, June 9, I was married to the love of my life, Danielle. I figured I’d share some of the details of this special day with you. I arrived at Atkinson Country Club at 10:00 in the morning with my best man, Josh Drumm. There was a low-hanging fog around the main clubhouse where the reception was to be held. The fog and the morning quiet added an ominous feel to the cool morning.

It felt good when I stepped out of the car. My previous 60 day stint in jail for not paying my excise tax was behind me, and I was about to trade my freedom for love, very unlike what happened in jail. The warden said he loved me, but he didn’t mean it, because he never let me blog from prison. I tried to cry a lot and claim that I was a celebrity, but he still wouldn’t let me leave. Danielle, on the other hand - I was pretty sure she meant that she loved me. I went inside, never noticing the Sikorsky above.

I took a quick walk around the facility. I had never been there before, so I thought it would be wise to acclimate myself to the building. I found the bathrooms, and then the other bathrooms before finally locating the third set of bathrooms. I proceeded towards my Groom’s suite so that I could use a different bathroom. I found the soaps to be of varied sizes and shapes, but they smelled funny, like Lewis Black.

My tuxedo fit like a glove, except that it had a jacket, pants, vest, shirt, shoes, socks, and cufflinks, but no gloves. I put it on anyways, and then headed out to hang out with the rest of my groomsmen. I came out to find them all sitting around talking in hushed tones. I headed over to chat with them, but Doug got up to meet me.

“Steve, I don’t know how to say this, but uh.. well.. I’ll just come out and say it,” Doug was stammering, I knew something was wrong. “Remember at the Rehearsal on Thursday, when Delta Force showed up?”

“Yeah, they were on a recon mission,” I remembered the camouflaged elite soldiers all around the gazebo. “But they should be long gone by now.”

“Well, Steve, they’re not gone. Delta Force is back, and they’re prepping for an assault. I’m sorry, man, but it looks like if you want to get married today, you’re going to have to fight for it.” He turned around hand handed me a Heckler & Koch MP5. “Be careful,” he said “NATO rounds are expensive. Good luck, man.”

I regarded my groomsmen once again, and saw they knew what I had known the instant I heard the name of that elite group of soldiers: there would be no marital joy today, just death and destruction.

“Hey! It’s starting to rain outside,” James was pointing out the window towards the few gentle drops of water cascading from the sky. I looked past the rain, and saw a rustling in the bushes. It wouldn’t be long with the rain, I knew. As the precipitation picked up, I knew their fate was sealed. If there’s one thing that the most highly trained, elite group of soldiers is afraid of, it’s a light rain. It feels all gross when your outside in flak jackets and assault gear and you get wet, and they HATE feeling 'all icky.'

I walked outside under the awning with my MP5 and switched off the safety. I looked around and set the weapon down on the railing. This fight was over -there would be no bloodshed today. I heard the helicopter spin up, and saw it start to lift from the extraction point. It banked left and flew down the 18th hole fairway before dipping over the rolling hills of the Atkinson Country Club’s championship course.

“Hey, there!” I turned around to see Sandra, our wedding coordinator smiling behind me. “Since it’s raining, we thought we’d move the ceremony inside to the Farview side of the ballroom.” I nodded my assent and rolled my neck from side to side. “Guests are being seated, so you may as well head on down. We’ll be getting started shortly.” I turned around to see Derek heading downstairs to start escorting, his M16 still slung over his shoulder. I called over to him, and while he didn’t acknowledge me he must have heard, because the next time I saw him, he was unarmed.

I turned to Josh who looked me up and down. “Show time,” he had the smirk of victory on his face. We headed downstairs, and took our place beside Jed, the pastor from our church who was performing the wedding.

The ceremony and reception were both beautiful, and except the ninjas and that one giraffe, went amazingly smoothly. We had a great time, and seeing all our friends and family together to celebrate our marriage was truly heartwarming.

A great big special thanks to everyone who could make it.

We’re off to our honeymoon in a few days, but there’s been some rumoring of increased Delta Force presence in the region. It rains every afternoon, though, so I don’t expect a problem.